


Life isn't for everyone

by LiviLuvsLarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentions of Eating Disorder, Suicide, Triggers, really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 14:56:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8582761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiviLuvsLarry/pseuds/LiviLuvsLarry
Summary: “After a year of therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, "Maybe life isn't for everyone.”― Larry BrownThis may be triggering for some people, and if that applies to you, please don't read this. Take care of yourself, love! :)





	

Louis had been planning this for about a month. He knew exactly what he was going to do, and was ready for it, excited even. He was looking forward to not having to deal with anything anymore. He wouldn't have to worry about making rent, paying bills, people throwing slurs at him walking down the street holding his boyfriend's hand,  _nothing_. He'd been holding on for so long that all of the things that kept him here started to feel more like inconveniences rather than reasons to live.

Just when he was ready, prepared, and had a plan, something would come up.

"Oh, Lou, The Script is coming to town again. We have to go!"

"It's our 3 year anniversary next week, Lou, aren't you excited?"

"Liam's birthday is coming up in a few days!"

"And then Niall's is next month!"

And then it was the holiday, and while yes, Louis did want to leave this planet and everything on it, he didn't necessarily want to leave a few select people with the holidays forever ruined for them. Leaving these people, Niall, Liam, his mum and sisters,  _Harry_ , was the hardest part of the whole ordeal. Louis knew that he would be hurting them, which actually was enough to keep him here for awhile. But as time went on, he realized that they really would be okay without him. Everyone leaves at some point, and if he sped up the process, it'd only save them the pain later on. Not to mention he would be happy again, for the first time in years. It's a win-win, really, in Louis' mind anyway.

Call him selfish, but he really didn't care anymore.

It was the third Sunday in January. He'd been in therapy for a little more than a year. He'd had this planned for a little more than a month. And he was ready, now that the time had come.

Louis had been struggling with a multitude of mental illnesses from the time he was 16. Depression was definitely the most prominent, but anxiety soon came into the mix, and he even struggled with an eating disorder and an addiction to self-harm for some on and off periods every so often. No one had known about his struggles, as he hadn't been too popular in college, and obviously never said a word to his family. It was only after Harry came into the picture that people found out. Harry saw his scars one night while they were making love, even though it was in the dark (per Louis' request), and had asked about them. Louis spilled everything because this was  _Harry_ , who had been with Louis for much longer than he needed to be. Harry deemed it necessary to inform Louis' mum, who then informed any other important adult in Louis' life, and it wasn't long after when their other friends, Niall and Liam, found out as well. Shortly after, Harry convinced him to try therapy.

Louis didn't think therapy was helping. At all.

He'd tried a number of different medications, most of which only made him feel numb, and honestly, feeling sad is better than nothing, right? Then there was the last medication Louis tried, which made him feel  _worse_. So much so that Harry came home one day to Louis sobbing hysterically in the bathroom, going on about how the top wouldn't come off of their new bottle of Benadryl. Harry had to wrestle it out of Louis' hands, and then hold him until he cried himself to sleep.

Louis didn't want to try any new medications after that. Harry wasn't exactly opposed to the idea, and neither was his therapist.

That was nearly 6 months ago, and since then, Louis' been attending regular weekly sessions, each one being an hour long. And absolutely nothing has changed.

Louis still struggles to eat three full meals a day more often than not, and has started wanting to cut open his skin more and more. Not to mention the constant thoughts of death that just won't seem to go away. He used to daydream about something awful happening to him, a car accident or being shot in a robbery or  _anything_ , just to take his life away for him, since he could never do it himself. That was quite some time ago, and well, something has changed, he guesses. He can do it himself now.

Louis was watching Harry get ready, languidly moving around their shared bedroom since he had plenty of time before he had to leave. He was going to a party his friend, Nick Grimshaw, was hosting. He'd asked Louis to come along with him, but Louis isn't exactly fond of Nick, for valid reasons, mind you. Nick was well aware of Harry and Louis' ongoing relationship, had been since he met Harry, but that didn't stop him from flirting with Harry constantly and always trying to get him to leave Louis for him.

Louis was surprised he hadn't by now, but whatever. It didn't matter anymore.

Harry had offered to stay home since Louis didn't want to go, but was told to go on, and have a great time, and if he got drunk, to just stay over. Two months ago, Harry would've been completely against leaving Louis home alone, but a few weeks ago, something in him changed. He was lighter on his feet, stealing some of Harry's snacks every so often, and even starting to crack jokes again. Harry thought maybe the therapy was finally starting to work.

So when Louis told Harry to go, he did. Besides, they'd spent the whole day together, lounging around their flat. They played FIFA, watched corny movies, and cuddled with some napping in between. They'd even had proper sex a couple times, the first being more rough and kinky, the last being pure love-making. It was one of the best days they'd had together in a long time, with absolutely no downside.

Harry paused every so often to check with Louis, "Does this shirt look okay with these pants? And what about these boots?," to which Louis offered his opinion until Harry was ready to go. Louis walked him to their front door, leaning up to kiss him before he left. Their kiss was long and slow, no real meaning to it. When they separated, Harry grabbed his jacket and put it on, turning one last time to smile at Louis before stepping out the door.

Louis stared at the closed door for a few seconds, acutely aware that he was completely alone now, there was nothing stopping him from what he intended to do. But  _Harry_ and, wait. Louis needed to do one more thing.

Louis flung the door open, running out into the hallway in his bare feet after Harry, hoping he hadn't somehow acquired super speed and made it down to the first floor and out the front doors of their building in 30 seconds. He caught Harry outside the lift, where he was looking at something on his phone while waiting for it to come. Louis practically body-slammed him, wrapping his arms around Harry's waist so tightly he subconsciously worried he might've hurt him.

Harry jumped slightly, taken aback, before he put his phone away and tried to turn in Louis' arms, having to physically loosen the arms around his waist in order to do so. Once turned around, Louis' grip tightened, maybe even more so than it had been before but _how was that even possible, Louis was squeezing so hard_ , and Harry just held him. The lift dinged, and Harry heard people exiting behind them, but payed no mind. Harry made no move to separate until Louis did, upon which Louis promptly moved his arms up and around Harry's neck, pulling him down for a much more intense kiss than the one they'd shared in their flat minutes beforehand.

Once Louis pulled away, he rested his forehead against Harry's and closed his eyes, nodding slightly. A confused expression was on Harry's face as he asked, "Lou? Darling, are you alright? What's brought this on?"

It took a moment for Louis to remember how to make words, but eventually, "Nothing, just. I love you a lot, Haz, you know that, right? You're the best thing that's _ever_ happened to me, and I can't thank you enough."

Louis opened his eyes to see Harry's face scrunch up further. "Yeah, I know, Lou. I love you, too, and you're my whole world. Are you sure you're alright?"

Instead of answering, because really, Louis hated lying to Harry , he got on his tip-toes to kiss Harry one last time. This time when he pulled away, he lightly smacked Harry's bum with a playful, "Now, go have fun. It's a great day, don't let it have a boring ending."

Harry watched him for a moment before nodding slowly, saying very seriously, "Right. Okay. Call me if you need absolutely anything, Lou, okay? Promise me you'll do that."

Louis nodded his head, said a quick "promise", and then he was walking in the opposite direction, away from Harry, for the last time.

Once he got back to their flat, he closed and locked the door behind him. He connected his phone to their bluetooth speaker and put a playlist of his favorite songs on, one that Harry had made for him. He went into their bedroom and stripped down to his pants before pulling out the purple Jack Wills sweatshirt he loves to steal from Harry, along with a pair of Harry's joggers. Both smelled like him, and if there was a better way to leave this planet, Louis couldn't think of it.

He pulled out a piece of notebook paper from their bookshelf, already having known what he was going to write for quite some time now. He'd seen the quote about the same time he'd planned this whole thing, and thought  _what better line for a suicide note_?

His note was short, sweet, and simple. Louis wouldn't have had it any other way.

"After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone.'  
-Larry Brown

His psychiatrist was right. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. There was nothing you could do.  
Love always, Louis"

He left the note on the nightstand next to his side of the bed before sliding his black VANS on, grabbing the bottle of Benadryl from where he'd hidden it behind the bed (ironic, isn't it?), and a bottle of water, and leaving the flat. He knew what he was about to do was going to hurt people, but he also knew if Harry found him like that, it wouldn't just hurt him, it'd kill him. He could never put that on him.

So Louis walked to a park a few blocks from their flat. The park had a play ground and a long trail that encircled a footie field, all of which was surrounded by a decent amount of trees. Louis walked to the part of the trail the furthest away, and found a tree he could lean up against just beyond the treeline. He popped open the pill container with ease this time, much calmer than his previous attempt. He poured maybe 20 into his palm, opened his water bottle, and started downing them. It was a slightly prolonged process, considering the container he'd bought was a year's supply with 365 tablets. He tried to swallow them all as quickly as possible, before any of them would start to take affect and possibly keep him from finishing the job.

It took him all of maybe five minutes to empty the container and his water bottle, both of which he laid next to him. He then looked up at the night sky, waiting for the pills to start working. He took account of the few stars he could see, since he was still in the city and light pollution is a truly awful thing, really, but he looked at them, and  _would he become one of them, shortly?_ Then, he could finally be something beautiful.

He didn't feel so great anymore, and yes, he knew this was coming, he did his research, thank you very much. Louis started feeling very faint, but not quite enough to pass out yet. It also kind of felt like his skin was maybe going to burn off, and then he couldn't breathe that well anymore. Gradually, his eyes became heavier as his breaths became more shallow, and then he was asleep. And he wasn't going to wake up.

Finally. Louis was free.


End file.
